Ham Yum Tums
by Distinguishable Cataclysm
Summary: Final Fantasy 7 humor. The gang of FF7 is in a Chinese restauraunt! It's crazy! Hilarious pick-up lines, zaniness, and a lot of people saying "HOOT HOOT HOOT!" PG-13 for swearing, violence, and some rolling on the floor.


Ham Yum Tums: The Happy Doodle Cloud Story

  


_Revised Super Second Edition!_

  


FF7 crazy humor fics. Gotta love these. I started out writing these, and I'm gonna keep them coming! This one's about Cloud & company, a Chinese restaurant, Sephiroth, cameos from strange people, and a whole barrel of laughs. Read on, read on! And review. Yes, please do review it.

  
  


WARNING: Lots of zaniness, swearing, people going "HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT", hot momma talk, sexual innuendo, and lots of dead-ass hilarious pickup lines from the king of uncool, DON CORNEO!!!! So, stay tuned folks

  
  


It all started one day at a local Chinese restaurant in Wall Market. Cloud, Aeris, Tifa, Cid, Red XIII, Barret, Vincent, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Reno, Rude, Heidigger, Scarlet, and Don Corneo were all sitting at the bar table. So...

  


Cloud: Jeez, the service here is terrible!

  


Barret: We haven't ordered yet!

  


Cloud: Whatever!

  


Scarlet: Did I tell you guys about my new boyf-

  


Everyone Else: YES.

  


Scarlet: Wow, you guys are informed.

  


Tifa: So, Cid, got any hot elephants? Err, I mean, got any cigs?

  


Cid: You don't smoke, ya ^&%&&%!

  


Tifa: I guess not, huh?

  


Yuffie: Oh yeah, Tifa, have you seen my new shru-uh oh.

  


Tifa: What? *scarfs a cookie*

  


Yuffie: My shrukien is gone.

  


Tifa: Urp. 'scuse me. *Runs off*

  


Yuffie: Uh oh.

  


Aeris: Anyone got lemons?

  


Barret: HELL YEAH!

  


Aeris: I didn't ask you.

  


Barret: ^*&^^&^&%.

  


Cloud: Ugh, I am like SO sober. Someone give me a shot!

  


Vincent: *raises hand*

  


Cloud: Oh, shut up, Vin.

  


Vincent: I didn't say nothin'.

  


Heidigger: Can't we just all get along? GYA HA HA

  


Scarlet: Kya ha ha!

  


Heidigger: Gya ha ha!

  


Scarlet: No, it's KYA ha ha, you idiot.

  


Heidigger: NO, it's GYA HA HA

  


Scarlet: KYA HA HA!

  


Heidigger: GYA HA HA!

  


Scarlet: KYA HA HA!

  


Heidigger: GYA HA HA YOU SELFISH BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!

  


*everyone is silenced*

  


Scarlet: What you say?

  


Heidigger: I said GYA HA HA YOU SELFISH BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

  


Scarlet: DIE!!!!!! *attacks on Heidigger and they begin wrestling*

  


Cloud: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

  


*everyone looks at Cloud*

  


Cloud. Oops, sorry. *blushes*

  


Cait Sith: RANDOM ACT OF STUPIDNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111

  


Barret: 'FOO!!!! You messed up my groove. I'm tryin' to medicate over here. You know, do Yoda.

  


Cloud: Barret, that's "Yoga".

  


Barret: Oh. Well, I'm STILL tryin' to medicate over here!

  


Cait Sith: That's "meditate", Barret.

  


Barret: Oh shaddap you &**&*&*^**!

  


Tifa:*comes back in* Ahhhh. That felt good. So what's up, dudes?

  


Barret: ARGH!!!!!! &*^&&*^* FOOLS MESSIN' UP MY GROOVE!!!!!!!

  


Red XIII: I like water.

  


Reno: Hey, where's my noodles?

  


Rude: Beats me.

  


Elena: Beats me.

  


Reno: *looks at Heidigger*

  


Heidigger: Whut? *stuffing face with noodles*

  


Don Corneo: Dude, where's my pickup?

  


Cloud: Truck?

  


Don Corneo: Line.

  


Cloud: Oh. I see.

  


Don Corneo: Oh wait! *looks in his pocket* I FOUND A HAND!

  


Tifa: *rolls eyes*

  


Don Corneo: Hmm...*looks in pocket* Hmm, gum, hairbrush, porn mag, TV guide...ahh, here we go! Pickup line!

  


Yuffie: Oh gawd.

  


Don Corneo: *looks at Scarlet* Ahem. "Do you have a mirror in your pocket, cause I can see you in my pants!"

  


Cloud: *rolls eyes*

  


Don Corneo: OOPS! OOPS! No no NO! I said it wrong, wait!

  


Scarlet: LOOZAH!

  


Don Corneo: Oh, dammit.

  


Cloud: So, um...

  


Aeris: Use the force, Barret.

  


Barret: ARGH! WILL YOU STOP BOTHER-oh wait. OKAY! *stands up* CONSTIPATION POWER!!!!!!! *leaps 50 feet into the bathroom stall and shuts the door*

  


*strange gas and fart noises can be heard*

  


Tifa: Barret, that's your burrito!

  


Cid: GYA HA HA! Uh...oops, wrong line.

  


Don Corneo: I got another one! Ahem. "Do you like cans of corn? 'Cause you're pretty easy."

  


Vincent: Badoom-ch!

  


Scarlet: Good God, you suck man.

  


Don Corneo: Can't say I didn't try.

  


Vincent: IT'S HAPPY HOUR!!!!!! *gets up and starts strip dancing* Uh huh, yeah that's right, ladies. Cup me, baye-bee. Oh yeah. *places a cup in front of himself*

  


Tifa: HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT!! *throws Gil into cup, gets on knees in front of Vincent*

  


Aeris: HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT! *throws Gil into cup, gets on knees in front of Vincent*

  


Yuffie: HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT! *uses mad ninja skillz to throw Gil into cup, starts doing the supah-ninjah hokey pokey in a circle around Vincent.

  


Vincent: the King Thank you. Thank you very much. The King

  


Cait Sith: Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto! Thank you very much, Robotoid! Hee hee!

  


Reno: I'm too cool.

  


Rude: Damn straight. *gets up and starts doing a dual strip with Vincent.

  


Tifa: HOOOOOOT HOOOOT HOOOOOOT HOOOOOT! *throws money in cup, pulls shirt off*

  


Aeris: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! *throws money in cup, starts to unbutton dress*

  


Reno: I'm gettin' ACTION!!!! *jumps next to Rude and Vincent and starts strippin'.*

  


Aeris: HOLY MOTHER IFALNA!

  


Cloud: My turn! *strips bare nekkid and does the eeeeeeeeeeeeeelecktrik tannnnngo with Vincent, Rude, and Reno*

  


Aeris: HOT MOMMA!!!! *unbuttons dress and bra*

  


Tifa: HOT MOMMA!!!!! *drops pants and bra*

  


Yuffie: HOT MOMMA!!!! *eats a cinnamon bun*

  


Cid: Hot damn, I gotta get in!!!! *grabs 10 cigs and continues to chain-smoke*

  


Cait Sith: My Mog is rising.

  


Barret: I think I'm getting horny. *drools*

  


Cloud: Uh huh, uh huh.

  


Scarlet: Hey, stripping! *joins in, strips, and dances*

  


Heidigger: GYA HA HOT MOMMA! *jumps onto Scarlet*

  


*Everyone jumps from the bar and lands on Vincent, Cloud, Reno, and Rude, followed by Aeris and Tifa. A huge dog pile begins and everybody rolls around, slobber smoochin' every thing they can get their damn lips on. They roll around in a huge pile and lots of ooze flies. Eventually they all stop and lie on the ground, breathless. Suddenly, a strange reactor malfunction downs power in the Chinese restaurant...*

  


*Cut to Sephiroth, surrounded by light, entering the Chinese restaurant. he bolts the door shut, and his light fades. Suddenly there is a big commotion, and some hot action starts happening.*

  


_And with that, the fic ends...if you want more, review it and like it! And don't forget to keep checking my profile for great fics!_


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